Turn The Page

This year, turning the calendar page to January will be very symbolic.

It will be putting a bad year behind me.

Don't worry, I'm not going to rehash all the events of 2011 that made it a bad year. Instead, I want to look at the good things that happened.

Yes, there were some.

Our family gained two beautiful baby boys - Weston William Bennett and John Brooks Bennett, sons of Chad and Mason, respectively. I have yet to meet them in person, but they are adorable.

Two ladies in our office added beautiful baby girls to their families, which means our Gillon Group family grew a little as well.

Our office saw some turnover this year. Someone remarked the other day that we had lost so many people. Yes. Four people moved on - one to take care of her ailing mother who subsequently passed away, one to move back to his hometown for a woman, and two for other opportunities. But we gained four women in their places. Good, strong,competent women. So it was a net-net. But we tend to focus on the bad sometimes and that's all this person was seeing, the losses.

Professionally, I completed a goal of achieving my certified fraud examiner credentials.

I also completed a personal faith journey and joined the Catholic Church this year. Not something I've talked a lot about because I belief faith is a personal thing, but important to me.

A friend of mine had a book published. A dream I am still pursuing.

On a global scale, a royal wedding captivated the world for a little while and we put our differences aside to see Prince William marry his princess. More importantly, our Navy Seals rid the world of evil with the elimination of Osama Bin Laden and our troops left Iraq this month, signalling the end of that war. Hopefully leaving Afghanistan won't be far behind. So many families received the best Christmas gift - their soldier home from the war.

Good things have happened. Many good things.

But it is easy to remember the earthquakes, tornadoes, tsunamis and other destructive events. It's easy to think about the losses. It's easy, at least for me, to dwell on the negative and let it overshadow everything else. So easy to forget.

But we need to remember the victories. The spirit of neighbor helping neighbor during those natural disasters. Communities rebuilding. The world coming together to aide one another instead of always fighting.

I am finding my joy again. I looked at this blog the other day and realized I'd almost written less in 12 months than I did the year I started the blog, which was late in 2008. And I love to write.

For a while, I let the negative overtake me. I got completely overwhelmed by my world. I had to step back to remember all the positives.

I also have a great 2012 to look forward to. I am a duchess in Mardi Gras, a joyful, happy time full of fun and friends and festivities. I have some big things happening at work this upcoming year. I have more boundaries to stretch professionally. Will it be easy, no. But nothing worth having is usually easily achieved. Also, the family is expecting another baby boy in March. My uncle, already a grandfather to two beautiful granddaughters, will add three grandsons in less than a year.

So, I'm looking forward to turning over the calendar and starting the new year. Yes, because I do want to put some bad things behind me. But also because I'm looking forward to new things. I want to get back to being Me.

The SPIRIT of Christmas

Like a lot of families this year, our Christmas was different. I know many families that had empty seats and placesettings at their holiday tables. For only the second time in 22 years of marriage, we didn't go to Arkansas for Christmas.

I won't get into the circumstances, but it was a necessary decision this year for Billy and I to stay home.

Now, this initially caused me some stress. I am a traditionalist and I don't take change well. I've, of course, had to accept changes over the years. Family members pass on or get married and have families of their own and new traditions have to evolve.

I in no way want this to become a new tradition. I want this to merely be a blip on the radar of life. Much like the old way we used to track Santa Claus. I can remember the weathermen on the local news stations with their large circular radar screens - always greenish-gray, pre-Doppler - and a little red dot would flash across the screen. Tracking Santa's flight path. It was the indicator that all good boys and girls needed to hurry off to bed. Santa was close.

To my mother's great credit, she suggested that we meet in Lake Village for lunch. On Friday. Our office was closed that day and it was the perfect opportunity to get together without disrupting anyone else's plans and schedules.

And so we did. We each drove two and half hours for a lunch that lasted less than an hour. We ate at Rhoda's. If it hadn't been recommended by the Information Center we would have driven right past it, if we'd even found ourselves in that part of town. Slightly off the main road and the building looked as if would fall in at any moment. But the food was good, Southern Living magazine and newspaper reviews lining the walls, and there was a steady stream of customers picking up their lunches while we were there. And it was a good thing they were all to go orders. Rhoda's only has about six tables and all but one were taken.

I've discovered that I like long trips in the car with Billy. Kind of like our eleven hour drive to eastern Tennessee. We can talk, or not, without having to pass out puppy treats, let someone out, let someone in, listen for the washing machine to get off-kilter, try to quiet the herd when the mailman comes up on the porch, and so forth. Just the two of us, alone with our thoughts, able to converse in peace.

Meeting Mom only solved part of the problem. In case you.ve missed it, I love my nephews and niece more than words can say and I was worried about missing them. They are growing up so fast that I hate to lose any opportunity to see them. I know, I saw Hayden this summer and Brett will be here in February, but still, it was Christmas. So, we employed technology and Skyped.

Not sure if that is the correct verb or not, but Skype we did. And it was fun! Especially after we figured out that the reason they couldn't hear me was because the speaker volume on their side was turned down! But I could see them. They all looked good. And we talked. And laughed. And were together.

And really, isn't that what Christmas is about?

It isn't about the presents - though there were those as well. Mom served as courier between Andrea and I. And it wasn't about doing what we've always done. There was a spirit of cooperation with my family that made it all work out. And that was important.

Billy and I had been discussing for a while what we were going to do. We were unable to stay with his mom as we always have. It was really too late to find a house sitter that we could have confidence in. There isn't a hotel on Earth that will have 7 dogs in the room. Mom's house isn't equipped for a herd of our size either. And renting an RV wasn't going to work. At least not this year, but maybe next. I didn't want to go alone and I didn't want to leave him. I will never forget the moment when it was "decided". We were shopping in Wal-Mart and I just off-handedly remarked that we needed to decide what we were going to have for our Christmas lunch. I'd never fixed one before so we'd never thought about it. He turned and looked at me, somewhat puzzled. And asked, "you mean you're staying here?" "Of course, I'm not leaving you on Christmas." Right there, in front of everyone, he threw his arms around me, planted a big kiss on me and said, "thank you for understanding! I thought I was going to have a hard time with this".

Compromise. Understanding. Willingness. Far greater gifts than another sweater or bottle of perfume or anything else. (Not that we don't love the gifts we received, we do!)

Aren't those also some of the gifts of the first Christmas? Mary's willingness to give in to God's plan for her. Joseph's understanding that he had a strange mission that he would have to accept as well, far outside the norm for his day. The compromise of staying in a barn when there was no room in the inn for a very pregnant woman who would ultimately give the world it's greatest gift.

It's easy to get caught up in the madness of the holidays. We allow ourselves to get stressed to find the perfect gift. To visit everyone. To eat at every stop. To try and please everyone else. We usually end up feeling tired and cranky instead of blessed. At least I do. Maybe I shouldn't speak for everyone.

So, while our little Christmas was far from our "norm", it was good. So much so in fact that on Monday when Billy was trying to find a project to work on I asked why we couldn't just spend time together. He reminded me we'd been doing that for three days already!

My hope is that next year will be back to what we're used to, for a lot of reasons. The schedules and driving and all the rest. But I hope we don't lose the gifts of this year. The real spirit of Christmas. That it doesn't matter where our bodies are so much as what is in our hearts.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

If this summer had been a fish I would have thrown it back. A horse, I'd have shot it.

Since I am an animal-lover I can say, yes, it was that bad.

I had already lost an old friend back in April at age 45. An unexpected death for me. That was bad, but not the worst of my 2011 tragic events.

No, things really started to go downhill when my brother-in-law was killed in an accident. That single moment in time changed everything. If I could somehow roll the calendar back to June 6 I would.

In a heartbeat.

Without covering all the details, many of which should stay private, suffice it to say I've seen sides of people and witnessed events that I never dreamed existed. It is said that deaths bring out the worst in people. I'll take it a little further. Deaths reveal true characters. I have watched people that I love and care about, and that loved and cared about each other, or at a minimum tolerated each other, turn their backs and behave inexplicably. And when it is all said and done, there will be no winners.

We cared for my mother-in-law during a hospitalization and recovery. Cost Billy and I our annual trip to New York City. To be fair, Hurricane Irene canceled our flight into New York but that was really only the excuse we used for doing what we knew was the right thing. The hurricane allowed us to cancel our trip with only minimal financial repercussions. Billy spent many hours on the road between Natchez and Arkansas with his mom, ultimately bringing her here for a 10 day hospital stay, followed by a week at our house.

I'm happy to report she is fine now.

Summer ended and I was convinced the changing of the seasons would bring needed changes in our world as well. I was looking forward to a trip with my mother in September and Billy and I had a long weekend trip scheduled in October.

Things had to improve, right?

Mom and I did have a wonderful trip. We were part of a larger bus tour that started in Chicago, traveled north through Wisconsin to Mackinac Island, Michigan and ended in Detroit. I met lots of nice, interesting people and saw some wonderful sights. We had cheese in Wisconsin, shopped in Frankenmuth, and relaxed at the Grand Hotel. The Ford Museum should not be missed in you're ever in the area.

But while I was gone, our sweet almost 16 year old Lab, Midnight, passed away.

If you know anything about Labs you know that the average lifespan is only about half of the years she lived. So I knew we had given her a good life but I was also pretty sure she wouldn't be here when I returned home. We'd been witnessing her decline for weeks. Still, she left on her own terms. That's how we try to let them go. I just hated that Billy had to deal with it all by himself. Me being home wouldn't have changed things, but I always refer to us as Team Tanksley and a part of me wanted to be home.

But I absolutely wouldn't have wanted to miss the trip with Mom. This was a first for us. Sure, we've spent plenty of time alone together over the years, but it was always typically at on of our own homes. This was a 9 day trip, sharing hotel rooms and hours sitting together on the bus.

24/7 togetherness.

But it was wonderful. I wrote her when I got home, thanking her for the trip, and I told her how nice it was that after years of hearing while growing up, particularly during my teenage years, "I'm your mother, not your friend" that we had reached a point in our lives where she could be both.

Billy and I did get our long weekend together. We drove 11 hours from Natchez to Jonesborough, Tennessee to the National Storytelling Festival. I highly recommend it! It was the most relaxed either of us had been in months. We only had one "child" with us, our sweet Riley, and we had nothing but time stretched out in front of us. At the festival we could go from tent to tent to hear the storytellers, sit and relax, walk through the shops, eat or just do nothing. Our third night, we stayed in the hotel room and watched our Razorbacks on television. Just like we would have at home, but it seemed different somehow. I guess it was knowing someone else was keeping the dogs and we had just a little less responsibility. I picked up pizza and we stretched out and just enjoyed each other's company.

Sadly, the respite was short-lived. A few weeks later my dad's oldest brother in Texas passed away. Also, unexpectedly.

I lost 3 people I loved and cared about in 6 months, plus Midnight, to death.

But we lost other family members as well to circumstances and bad decisions. Billy and I finally reached a point where we had to end, or at least limit, our exposure to people that had become "toxic". It wasn't easy. But it had to be done.

We realized that we are the only two people in charge of our own happiness. And that we had to remain Team Tanksley and look out for one another. Support one another. No one else can do it for you. People can make you miserable, or can make you laugh, or even cry. But those are moments in time.

Allowing those moments to dictate the whole of our lives is our decision.

2011 is not ending quite as well as it started. I am certainly looking forward to turning the calendar over to 2012. I have already started thinking about what I can do to make it better. Handling my work stresses better. Learning to say No to some of the volunteer opportunities that present themselves. Enjoying a special Mardi Gras.

Spending time with the ones I love and cherish and chosing who will impact my life, and how.