Internal Conflicts

I try to be a good person.

I really do.

But I am struggling.

I have to be careful what I say because the issue at the root of it all is not public knowledge.

Someone I know has made an important decision. One that, while not completely unexpected, was still somewhat surprising due to the timing.

I know in my heart that it is the right thing and needs to be done but I have been very consumed by how that decision will effect me.

And I'm not happy about it.

Not happy that I feel as I do, and not happy about the decision.

There are two sides of me on this. The "friend" side that says "Go, do what you need to get better. Take care of yourself and come back refreshed."

The "work" side of me is angry and resentful because that is the side that has to deal with the fallout. Extra hours for me, still. Working weekends, still. Not having a real day off like everyone else, yet.

I don't like being in that position. Having to adjust everything in my world simply to accommodate someone else.

I guess that makes me selfish. But it also makes me human. I had plans for my weekends. That has changed.

I did take off this past weekend and never even pulled my laptop out of the car. And I did come home at a "decent hour" most days. But that was only a temporary time to really rejuvenate myself. Rest that I needed for the next two months which are going to be rough. I was so exhausted the other night that I couldn't remember actually being in a client's office on one day when I saw them the next day.

That's sad, people.

But, I have to do what I have to do. If the work isn't done we lose the clients and I'm out a job.

Guess there would be plenty of time to rest then, wouldn't there?

My nature is to jump in with both feet and get it done.

And I will.

But that doesn't mean that I have to like it.

You Can Go Home Again

But will you recognize it when you get there?

I attended Alumni Weekend at Hendrix last weekend. It was my first Alumni Weekend since I graduated in 1988. It was actually one of the few times I'd been back on campus for anything.

Not that I haven't supported my school.

I make my annual contribution and there are provisions in my last will and testament for some scholarship money, if there is any left after it gets divided up.

But Alumni Weekend is typically held the first weekend in April. Meaning it is before April 15 and I've never been able to go before. Matter of fact, I fussed about that the last couple of years when I was being hounded about attending my 20 year reunion.

Maybe someone listened.

So, when the timing fell on April 16th I felt compelled to go. And I'm so glad I did!

The Hendrix College campus is in full bloom this time of year. Azaleas in white and varying shades of pink were everywhere! The fountain, into which you'd be thrown on your birthday, was full and bubbling. The ivy on Buhler Hall was a little higher on the walls. So it was beautiful!

But there was also a lot of new. Acxiom Hall wasn't there when I attended. Bailey Library now rises from the ground where there used to be a parking lot. The library was underground during my years there. A brand new Reynolds Hall now occupies the old library site, but above ground. The gymnasium has been replaced by the Student Life and Technology Center. And that building has the cafeteria that looks amazing, a game room with pool tables and a snack bar. Hulen Hall is all but closed now since the cafeteria was moved and the bookstore, now run by Barnes and Noble, will be moved to The Village at Hendrix over the summer. Probably the saddest sight was the Mabee Center. An athletic building where I took aerobics, weightlifting and ballroom dancing stands forlornly, almost dejected, in the shadow of the new Hendrix Wellness Center. That is where I found a rock-climbing wall, an exercise room, the new pool, and the soccer/lacrosse field out back.

There are even rumors of - gasp! - football returning to the Hendrix campus! I bought a T-shirt that said "Hendrix College Football - undefeated since 1961". That was the last time we fielded a team.

But it still felt so comfortable to be on campus.

It felt like home.

Although it was in a new cafeteria, I still ate lunch all by myself, much as I did when I attended classes. Didn't bother me then, doesn't bother me now. Gave me a little time to reflect.

I told Mom and Andrea that I could see myself retiring someday and going back to teach part time there. As an adjunct professor. Of course when I told my boss that today he wanted to know how soon I thought that would be.

At least 20 years, I'm sure.

And I should be able to do once I get my Masters. Which I hope to do now at Hendrix. Accounting is the ONLY program there with a Masters degree. They had to start offering one in order to meet the education requirements necessary for students to sit for the CPA exam. Not sure yet how I'm going to swing that, but I plan to make it happen.

As I stood looking at the library I remembered a day when Daddy was on campus with me. We were standing in almost the same spot, looking at a parking lot. Only he remembered when the football stadium was there. Even played in it a time or two.

So, things change. But the big stuff doesn't. The feel of the campus. The dorm rooms. The people. The commitment by the faculty. One of the best attended events was the Last Lecture by Dr. Charles Chappell, English. He's retiring after 41 years. He was a Hendrix grad before that so his last 45 years have been spent on that campus. It was standing room only for his farewell. Although, as he pointed out, he would still be teaching through the end of the semester so he wasn't sure where the title Last Lecture came from.

"Home" is that way.

We may move. We add and subtract family members. The house gets smaller as we get older. But the stuff that matters never changes. The love we have for one another. The support, caring, concern. Its all still there.

So, yes. You can go home again. And you'll always know when you've arrived.

Time Out

No, I have not run out of things to say. In fact, I have more on my mind than ever!

But, I worked 286 hours in the month of March (710 so far since January) and I find that when I get home at night, my ability to put together cohesive sentences and cogent, comprehensive thoughts is as diminished as my creativity.

This became very evident from my last post. There were actually points I wanted to make but I think they got lost in the rambling.

So, much like the world outside my window, I am giving myself a little time to refresh and renew.

But, as so famously uttered once, I'll be back.

I hope everyone is having a very blessed Holy Week. May Easter Sunday fill you with the Mysteries of Life.

And Happy Spring!