Last week I was stuck in an airport. Apparently I have a face that says “talk to me!”as I was approached by a woman as I was looking for a plug for my charger so I could start looking for hotel rooms and alternate flights.
I have a cart full with five suitcases. I have been at the airport since 3:35AM. I had maybe five hours of sleep and I have only had one large Dunkin Donuts coffee. I am tired and frustrated.
All I wanted at that moment was to be left alone. All she wanted was to talk.
It didn’t take long to surmise she was homeless, but had found a safe place to stay. She said she was from Egypt, but lived in the US now. She was at the airport, waiting for her brother. One brother had been killed by two youth on the West Bank of New Orleans, but this brother was due in any day. She waited, day after day, for him to arrive.
I couldn’t tell her that she was waiting in the ticketing area; arrivals would be downstairs.
She went on to tell me about all her education and degrees, including sports medicine, anatomy, and biology, and all the places in the world she had studied. I think she listed off two or three Masters Degrees.
Eventually, she got around to asking about my family, and if Billy and I had children.
I cannot tell you how many times in 29 years I have been asked if we have children. True, it is a normal, logical, question to ask someone. Especially someone you are just trying to get to know. (Although it is not a question that I usually ask someone because I know how the other side might feel.) And that would be fine, if the questions stopped there.
I answer her question, politely, “no”, and then try to move the subject on to me leaving. I really have to go.
While I have no place to go and all day to get there, I am ready to move on. And she has completely ignored all the signs I have given that I am ready for the conversation to be over and I am just trying to not be rude at this point.
But she doesn’t stop. She keeps asking about why we don't have children. Most people don’t. They take "no" as the answer and go in another direction. I have related in these blogs one time that a woman kept asking me about having children, in front of my nephews. My sweet Clay, only three or four years old at the time, piped up that I didn’t need children because I had them (Hayden, Clay and Brett). And my heart was so happy at that moment. Enough said (from the mouths of babes).
Unfortunately, Clay was not here on this day to ride in and save the day. It was up to me. And I am just too freaking nice. I briefly answered her questions, one word answers wherever possible, all the while pulling my plugs and packing up my phone and making sure all my stuff was in order. But this lady couldn’t see all that and take the hint. She just keeps on.
Finally she asked a question that I had never heard before, of course, no one had ever pushed me this far before, either. Her question was “who was weak?”
Who was weak?
Wow.
In other words, whose fault was it?
Like we'd done something wrong.
To her credit, the lady finally apologized for pushing me, I'm guessing it was the look on my face that finally turned on her lightbulb. She said it was her background in anatomy that was raising her curiosity, and so on, but that question still got me to a brink I had never reached previously.
Still unable to just walk away and leave her standing, for whatever reason, perhaps for no other reason than I was just so caught off guard that someone would ask that question, in that way especially, I answered her that I was.
I thought it would be the fast answer, and I know my own history with “weaknesses” in this system. As I told her, it has never really worked right.
Truth be told, it could be both of us, either of us, or neither of us. We never needed to know so we never found out.
And we will never know for sure.
I am a believer in the Divine Plan. Not all of us are destined to be parents. Our “talents” lie elsewhere. Aunts. Uncles. Animal rescuers. Community volunteers. Foster parents. Caregivers.
We have the love for caring, it is just in other areas.
If we had been meant to be parents, we would have been parents. I believe that.
Just because we never had two-legged children, only four-legged, doesn’t mean that I never thought about it; never wished I had had a baby of my own to hold as I would pass back a friend or family’s newborn child; never talked about baby names (there would never be a Billy, Jr., Jr. I was told. And that is a family joke, we know he would have been a III had we gone that route); never wondered what it would be like.
I wasn't devoid of that feeling of wanting one.
I just hid it better, I guess.
And, I guess, because I am a believer in the Divine Plan I was content with living Life que sera sera - what will be, will be.
I didn't obsess over having a child. I didn't ache to have one. In the want vs. need discussion, it was a "want" not a "need". I know for many women that ache is very physical and very real. For me it was more of "nice if it happens".
I know some people see this situation, and some have even said, you put your career first. I don't think that's fair, either. I've never had burning desires to be the corporate CEO/CFO or managing partner of an international firm. But I do have a pretty darn good work ethic and I have always done what my employers asked of me - travel, long hours, weekends. Some of that, I am certain, contributed to the lack of children in our home. These people I worked for were paying me good money to do a job, and I did it, without questioning or complaining (much). I felt like I owed them my best. The choice to have a career was made before I had a husband and I have always known that Billy respects my work and the way I work and just accepted that part of my personality. It has never been an issue.
I hope, though, that I can be viewed as a person who made the very best of the circumstances in which she found herself. That I can be a role model for other young women for whom motherhood is not a part of their personal puzzle. To show that it is okay to not be a mom, that we still have much to contribute. We aren't less than, we are equal to. And we don't have to be the devil in high heels to be successful in our chosen fields.
We can still love, nurture, care for another creature or human being, just differently. Wake up on the floor holding your dog that has been seizing all night, or, better yet, wake up to find your husband on the floor holding your dog that has been seizing all night so you could sleep because you had work, and tell me that that act is not "maternal".
I know those of you reading this would never ask questions the way this woman did (side note, she had no children because she had never been married - couldn't find a good man), and I do, deep down, feel like she had some medical curiosity that was fueling this, but sometimes it is just the simple question "do you have children?" that actually starts the ball rolling for the person you are asking. The anxiety starts up (what else will they want to know), the worry (does this change the way this person will look at me going forward?), the self-doubt (is there something wrong with me? should I feel differently?). And once that spiral starts, sometimes it takes a while to pull ourselves up and get back on the path with our heads up and chins out, facing the day again.
For the most part, we can handle it. Just make sure we are fully rested, fully caffeinated, and not overly grouchy before you ask.
Timing is everything.
