The Long Goodbye

Lola Mae Pearl Perkins Bennett
February 12, 1914 - May 2, 2012

Following are the words I spoke at Naunie's funeral.

First, on behalf of my whole family, I want to thank you all for being here today. For those that don’t know me, I am Deanne, Lola Mae’s oldest grandchild.
When Mom first asked me to speak today I was worried about how to start. Where do you begin to cover a life that spanned over 98 years? So many stories and world events have occurred during that time that the task seemed overwhelming. But as I thought about it I realized I should start exactly where we are all sitting today. In this church.
This Methodist Church has been the center of Naunie’s world since Day One. Her family was instrumental in getting the church started here in Carlisle and it played into her life almost daily for so many years.
In 1914 she was christened here. She grew up in this church. At age 16 she joined the choir and in 2002 was given a plaque recognizing 72 years of service to that choir. She would have gone a little longer if her eyes had held out. She loved to sing! And she loved being involved. I remember talking to her once after she left the choir and she remarked on how it took some time to get accustomed to the view from “down here”. She was finally seeing what everyone else had been seeing for all those years. In 1935 she and Papaw were married in this church. Her children, Annette and Billy, were christened here, as were all 5 of her grandchildren and 2 of her 8 great-grandchildren. There could be no better place to start remembering her life than right here.
Some of my favorite memories with Naunie are also wrapped up with this church. Growing up, my sister and I spent a lot of time in Carlisle in the summers, at least some of which was usually scheduled around Vacation Bible School. We made some good friends those summers. Even as a young adult I would come and spend time when I could. One time I recall, was mid-week. I must have been home from college. I had picked a day and asked Naunie if that day was good to come over and visit and spend some time and she said it was fine. Then she remembered it was Circle Day. I told her I didn’t mind going to Circle with her if that would be okay with the group. She thought it would be fine and so we were set. The day comes, I get to Naunie’s house and we head to Circle. I can’t remember now who the hostess was but she opened the door and got the funniest look on her face. I thought for a minute that she didn’t know I was coming. But she looked at Naunie and said “Lola Mae, you said you were bringing your little granddaughter.” I looked past her into the living room and there, in the circle of chairs, was a child’s chair. Clearly too small for me! The hostess had been thinking of Amber, 18 years younger I and a part of this church. An easy mistake to make. To Naunie though, I was still her “little” granddaughter, even at age 20 or 21. The hostess changed out the chairs and I enjoyed the time with the ladies. I remember a few years later going to Bible study with Naunie at “Aunt” Clara’s house. We only had to walk across the street that day. Naunie’s faith was deep and ever present, but not overt. She lived the Word, even if she wasn’t always quoting it.
So many of the things I learned from Naunie, I learned mostly just by watching her. I probably never really knew I was actually learning at the time. She did teach me to knit, but that is one lesson that didn’t take. She started me on a scarf at age 10 and 36 years later it is close to being the size of a potholder. Naunie had a strong sense of community. Most likely from living all her life in this one town. In a small town everyone looks out for one another. Those of you that live here know that can be a blessing, and a curse. Everyone knows your business, but they also know when you need help, what you need and you never have to ask a thing. One Christmas Day, 2008 probably, my Billy and I picked Naunie up and were headed to Mom’s house in Conway for the afternoon. On the way, Naunie told me that her dream had always been to live in Conway, but she’d married that silly ole farmer and stayed in Carlisle. I don’t honestly think she would have ever left even if she’d had the opportunity. And she was married to that “silly ole farmer” for almost 60 years. But more on Papaw later. She loved Carlisle. It was more than home, if that’s possible.
Looking back, it’s amusing now that a lot of those summer visits were actually spent in the car taking people to Little Rock. Doctor’s appointments, visiting the sick in hospitals. It didn’t matter that we’d just come from there, if someone needed to go, Naunie was always willing to drive them. We’d sit in the waiting rooms until it was time to go home again. Might do that 2 or 3 times in the same week. But I learned through that to care for others. To help those who need it if I can. There are lots of things I can’t do, but I should be willing to do what I can. It was very difficult for Naunie when she had to give up driving, and I think some of that stems from this. Not only would she not be able to help anymore, but it meant she’d be one of the ones now needing that help. I know that was hard, we talked about it. I kept reminding her that it was her turn now and she deserved the help from all that she’d done over the years. Still a hard thing to swallow, though. No one likes to see themselves as the taker when they’ve always been the giver. And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the roses. I remember so many times going out to the store room and looking in the freezer and seeing coffee cans of flowers. Some were hers but others came from the women in the community and Naunie needed to arrange them for a luncheon or party. I remember asking one time where the flowers came from because no one had knocked on the door or anything and she said she didn’t know, but she knew what she needed to do with them. “Helping” her out on one of those visits I learned that green floral foam is not like play-doh and you can’t push your thumbs in it or squish it in your fingers. We had to go get more at the store. She probably wasn’t very happy with me right then, but I never knew it.
I also remember Naunie working the election polls. It struck me one day as I was thinking about all this that women couldn’t vote when Naunie was born. It would be 6 more years before her mother and aunts would be able to do what her father and uncles already could. And I’m sure that Naunie never looked at working at the elections as anything more significant than serving her local community, but it really brings into view just how many things Naunie did witness in her lifetime and how things have changed. World War I broke out just months after Naunie was born. She saw World War II as a young married bride. The Korean War. The Vietnam War, then as the mother of a soldier. Even the Gulf Wars. She saw The Great Depression and food rationing. The world evolved with so many inventions - like automobiles, telephones and television. When she was a young girl, telephones were still fairly rare in homes, usually a party line with your neighbors and a switchboard operator to connect the calls, and all wired to one spot in the house. Televisions weren’t even a thought. Today most all of us silenced a device as we came in that will make calls, send messages, surf the internet and allow you to watch video all in the palm of your hand. We have microwave ovens that fit under cabinets and can heat a meal in minutes. Computer went from an idea to a machine that filled a room and needed punchcards to run to small, laptop devices that we can use in our cars. The world has just changed so much in 98 years that I couldn’t even begin to touch the list of things.
So I learned about having a community spirit. I also learned about family from Naunie. I’d like to share a couple of my favorite “lessons” in this department. Here’s the first one. As I said before, this church was Naunie’s life. We used to joke that if the church doors were open, she was here. She even had a key in case she needed to be the one that did the opening. And for the most part, we lived in a similar vein. Andrea and I sang in the children and youth choirs growing up, rarely missed UMYF on Sunday nights, Mom and Dad taught Sunday school more than once. But I remember one Sunday morning that we slept in. I have no idea why and it isn’t important. But we didn’t get up for church. Naunie called that morning, early. We normally attended the 8:30 service at Lakewood so it was probably before 8 when the phone rang. I was the only one up so I answered it. Not being skilled yet in the “art of the dance” I told Naunie that Mom was still asleep. I was told to wake her. A few minutes later Mom walked back into the kitchen where I was and told me to not ever tell Naunie again if we weren’t going to church. The lesson there, you are always your mother’s child and never too old to get in trouble. Little white lies were okay in some circumstances. Two of my other favorite family memories involve my Papaw. As I said before, they were married almost 60 years. On the day of the celebration of their 50 anniversary, we were gathered at the house waiting for the guests to arrive for a reception. I picked up the big family Bible and was leafing through the pages where the family events were recorded. As I started reading I saw it – Lola Mae Pearl Perkins. I remarked aloud, “Naunie, I didn’t know you had a middle name.” I’d always just thought Mae was her middle name. My Papaw had been standing near and when I said that he whipped around and looked at me, total surprise written all over his face! He hadn’t known either! The lesson, a little mystery is a good thing! After all those years together, Papaw could still learn something about Naunie. Lastly, if you knew Papaw, you know he always used a two-handed handshake when greeting someone, or for us family, a two-armed hug. Rarely did you get one of those one-armed side things. And he greeted everyone, smile on his face, laughing, happy. One time, Naunie was in the hospital, don’t remember now when or for what, and I went to visit. I remember going by myself so I was probably in college. When I arrived, Naunie was propped up in her bed, there were a few visitors in the room, but Papaw was not there. I hadn’t been there long when arrived and I remember this just as clearly as if it happened this morning. He walked into the room, eyes on Naunie and Naunie only. He headed straight to her bed; both hands out as he walked, took both her hands in his and leaned in and gave her a kiss. I’m pretty certain that is the one and only time I ever saw them kiss each other. But for those few seconds, there was not only no one else in that room as far as Papaw was concerned, there was no one else in the whole world. He shut everyone out and gave all his focus to her. After that, he turned and started talking to and greeting everyone else in the room. I can remember so vividly thinking “I want to find that someday”. As a hopelessly romantic teen I think it was a good lesson that I recognized I didn’t have “it” then. I learned the importance of family. I can remember many times missing events with friends because we were headed to Carlisle to eat fish at Murray’s. But it was a part of what we did and who we were. I believe that commitment to family is still there.
I want to share one last thing. Christmas 2010. In a rare occurrence that all 5 of us grandkids were together out at the farm on Christmas Eve. Almost like the old days except there are more of us now – all of us married and, at that time, there were 5 great-grands and one on the way. By now Naunie was no longer living on her own so she wasn’t there with us. It was an evening of food, fun and family. And then the cameras came out and it was time for pictures. As happens sometimes when we start to take pictures, all the family resemblances start to get pointed out. If you need help with where this is going, I didn’t get any of them. I can’t count the times I came to Carlisle and heard “You must look like your dad.” I didn’t get the height, obviously, and I wasn’t born with this blond hair. And it all becomes fun and we’re joking around about it but then LaQuita leaned in close and said something no one else could hear. I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing it today. She looked me right in the eye and said “But you got Naunie’s heart, I can see it.” How much more blessed could I be? That is by far the greatest family resemblance I could ever ask for.
So, while we are all sitting in this church saying goodbye to a woman who meant so much to everyone here, I want to share my vision I have, not of goodbye, but hello. Just like in the hospital that day, it is my Papaw, only this time he is walking through the gates of Heaven, still with both arms stretched out to take her hands into his, leaning in to give her a kiss and saying “Welcome Home”.




I labeled this post "The Long Goodbye" because that is what it was. As Andrea noted, Naunie did something few people get to do anymore, die of old age. In today's environment it seems like disease or disaster get you first.

The last few years were hard. Two years ago Naunie had the first of many strokes and at that time we had to put her a nursing home. We had wanted her to remain in her own home as long as possible. I heard countless times "Naunie's not doing good", only to hear that the next day she was sitting up and taking names! But towards the true end we all wondered why she was still with us, physically anyway. What was holding her here? Why hadn't God called her Home already? What was the point of her being here? Was there a lesson the rest of us were missing?

We may find out someday. But it doesn't matter. She's Home now, where she belongs. And she left a legacy behind to carry on. The minister likened her family members to a different kind of flower that Naunie nurtured and grew like she did her roses.

And I like that. Flowers grow and change. They may get cut back every now and again to help them bloom better and grow stronger the next season. Some get deadheaded to make room for new blossoms, like we sometimes have to shed things in our lives that are keeping the new from coming out.

Her passing was a blessing and I said prayers of thankfulness on that May morning when I got the call. As I said on my Facebook page: her Life was a blessing to us, her passing a blessing to her. Her funeral was a celebration of her life and I thank my mother for asking me to participate in the service. I hope I made everyone proud and represented the family well. No matter how many times I speak, it's always a little tough, but I try.

In closing, just a few family pictures.