The Right to Die, The Will to Live

I know that not everyone agrees with me.  Some never will.  That is okay.

In the last months, there was a fair amount of media attention given to Brittney Maynard.  She was the young lady that publically announced her decision to end her life on November 1 because on an inoperable brain tumor.  She wanted to take control of the situation and die with dignity, on her own terms.

The brought up a lot of emotions for me.

First, this whole area falls into a realm of social issues that Billy says I don't have a clear stance on.  Not true I say.  He says these times are those when he thinks I should have been a politician.

I very strongly believe that life is not ours to take.  The Ten Commandments say Thou Shalt Not Kill.  To me, that is self as well as others.  You don't do it.  As a child I learned in Sunday School that only God knows the number of our days.  In my childlike innocence I always envisioned an enormous book on a lectern, Book of Life inscribed in gold lettering on the front leather cover.  Each morning God would stand before the book and turn the page, a new date written at the top in fancy, cursive script.  If your name was on the list for that day, that was then your last day.  If not, you were good for one more.

It was not up to us to change that day.

I've had two family members with glioblastomas, which is what I believe Mrs. Maynard also had.  My cousin lived over 10 years with hers, and died from something unrelated.  Still very young, but way past the 18 months prognosis that is usually given.  My stepfather lived with his 19 months.  And live he did.  

God can work miracles.  But only if we are still here for him to do so.  By deciding on her own what her final day would be, she denied Him the opportunity to do something wonderful if He had so chosen.  She had no idea what God's plan was for her.

Now the flip side.  I do understand wanting to make that choice.  To avoid the illness.  To spare your family.  To leave while your children still have happy memories to cling to.  I was visiting a nursing home with my mother and seeing a special patient that did very little but lay in bed all day, not cognizant of her surroundings or aware of visitors or even in possession of most of her mental faculties.  The comment I made that day was that most people would not allow their dog to live like that.  (Side note, I 'm not a fan of pet euthanasia either.  But that's for another day.)  And that is a true statement.  Pets get old, incontinent, ill and the owners decide to end their suffering and have them humanely euthanized.  If we do that to people, even under the same circumstances, it is called murder.

But people can do it for themselves.  Dr. Korvorkian went to jail to defend the right of someone to assist with suicide - even if it just to provide the pills.  We all have the right to make that choice.

And that is my point.  It IS a choice.  So while my personal choice is life and life only, I recognize that it IS my choice.  No one can tell me what I can and cannot do with my body and soul.  Now, if someone approached me with with this question I would do all I could to encourage them to stick it out, live evey second of every day until God turns the page to your day.  I feel the same about abortion.  In my mind, it is wrong.  I fall into the camp that allows for a few exceptions - I can't understand what the point would be to allow a mother to die to save a child that will not have the mother to raise it that it needs - but in the majority of cases it is unacceptable to me.  Again, if I had a friend or loved one facing this decision I would do all I could to promote life, adoption, whatever but in the end, it is the choice of the person whose life is being effected.  It is not my place to decide for them.  It is choice that they should have the right to make.

But as they say, just because you can doesn't mean you should.  I have the right to wear a two piece bathing suit if I want, they make them in my size, but that is not something I choose to do.  It would be an inappropriate decision.  I think I was also bothered by the publicity of Mrs. Maynard.  If you want to make that choice, why did it have to be splashed on late night television and magazine covers?  It should have stayed as it started, a private decision.  One between her and her family.

 I know of people with terminal cancer that refused treatment.  Some would argue that is not much different.  That they allowed themselves to die rather than do all they could to live.

 Is that much different from taking a lethal dose of pills?

 I maintain that it is, and it goes back to what I said earlier.  God can work miracles.  But you have to be here to receive them.

Animals are People, Too.

 

From my Living the Life of Riley Facebook page.  Inspired by another Dog Mom whose sweet dog had survived being a second round bait dog, and had the scars to prove it.  Reduced to tears by incredibly thoughtless words that never needed to be said.  For those that don't know, Riley's page is a vehicle to chronicle his life with epilepsy and it is written from his perspective, so the use of "we" below refers to his fellow animals.

 

 

Original Post Date: November 18, 2014

Here is my thought for the day. 
Lots of people look at animals differently. For some, we are surrogate children. We are given the powers to talk, to reason, to feel - even though our folks know deep down we really can't in the same way. Yes, we communicate, but not with words. We feel and we express it, but not in response to things the same way. You could curse us in a sweet voice and we ...would wag our tails ninety to nothing. Likewise you could scream I love you in your ugliest voice and we would cower. Others view us as "just animals". Incapable of emotion. Not worthy of worry or effort. Disposable. Replaceable. And some fall somewhere in between.

If you don't know where on the spectrum the human holding a dog's leash falls, then be mindful of your comments. Don't say "she's fat", "he's ugly", "why don't you put him down?", "what's wrong with her?". Maybe WE don't feel the sting of your words, but our families do. And they hurt. Same with people. Of course, some of the people we see making these comments wouldn't think twice about saying them to a human. They are just mean, rude, people. But some people are just thoughtless. The words slip out before realized, or before they can be stopped. They think they are talking to something that won't understand their words without really understanding that is not the case.

Mom tells every new member or our team (vets, specialists, whomever) not to suggest anything to her or Dad that they themselves would not like to have recommended by their own pediatrician. That is where they fall on the scale. We fully recognize that not everyone feels that way. We don't judge. Every family has to make the decisions that are right for them. Likewise we don't want to be judged. And often these voiced "opinions" feel like judgments. My mom and dad know when one of my siblings has put on weight, or when I'm wobbly and not walking well. It doesn't need to be pointed out.

So, remember, the Golden Rule applies to creatures with legs - two or four. Do unto others as you would have done unto you.

And if you can't say something nice, shut up.

Take The Time

I love to travel.  Both my parents enjoyed traveling when we were growing up (at least I guess they did - we took lots of vacations and have a friend that played professional ball and I remember going tons of fun places to watch him play) and Mom traveled extensively with her second husband as well - even up to the end after he was diagnosed with a glioblastoma - and they did so quite a bit with a group from their area on trips sponsored by their bank.  They made wonderful friendships and were a part of a small group called the "Back of the Bus Bunch". 

So I guess I come by honestly.

Since Dicky has passed, I often get to be Mom's roommate now on her adventures and I have enjoyed meeting and spending time with these same great people.  When Billy and I travel I am usually the driver so on these bus trips it is kind of nice to be able to just look at the scenery and let someone else figure out where to turn. 

The last couple of years, I have been touting Natchez as the perfect destination for some of the bank's smaller, getaway, trips.  This year, they took me up on it.

 Last Thursday I was able to spend most of the day with my Mom and her group from Arkansas. I  saw old friends, made new friends, had a lot of fun sharing my Natchez with them.  Since it was a work day for me, I missed the first house and downtown tour, but met up with them at the second home and stayed for lunch and the winery tour.  I was back in my office for a few hours late in the afternoon while they all got checked into the hotel and freshened before dinner. I was telling a co-worker about the day and his comment was how nice it was that I took the time to do that.   In my mind, I don't think I ever considered not doing it.

A friend of mine also spent that day with her mother, but, sadly as I discovered the next morning, it was her mom's final day. Her mom had been in less than perfect health for a while so it wasn't a huge surprise, yet never easy.  But I was struck by the differences in our days.  Where I got to laugh and joke and have a good time, they spent the day trying to get family flown in and do all they could in those final moments together.

And I believe they were very good final moments - tears, yes, but peaceful.  My friend had taken the time to be at her mother's side not only during the last few months, but any opportunity she had to visit her.

Take the time.

None of us know exactly when our final day will be, but only you can determine how you want to spend it when it gets here - regrets, problems, making amends, or enjoying those last precious few seconds. 

The Sparkle of Silver

On August 5, 1989, I rolled over in my sleep a little after 6 am and was started awake to find Billy's smiling face staring down at me!  If I hadn't been so miffed at the whole "can't-see-the-bride-before-the-wedding-thing" I might have freaked out a little.  But I've shared that story before - his aunt and uncle had arrived the day before bearing gifts and he just KNEW I'd want to open them right away!

25 years ago, today.

Hardly even seems possible.

I have a hard time even believing I'm old enough to have been married 25 years.  But I am.  I woke up two years ago and realized I'd been married half my life.  Billy will get that honor in October.

I thought the other day about the old story when the man stands up at his anniversary party and toasts his wife on a wonderful 23 years.  A guest leans in and says "but you've been married 25 years" and the man responds "and your point is?".

I'd be a fool to sit here and say that all 9,125 days we've been together were all rainbows and bluebirds.   You'd be a bigger fool to believe it.  Life is hard and marriage is harder.

But oh so worth it!  I am incredibly proud today of reaching this milestone.  This Silver Anniversary.

There is no one that I'd rather wake up and see every morning or kiss goodnight every night.  I can't even envision a world for me without him in it.  He has stood beside me through thick and thin - both literally and figuratively.  He has comforted me in times of loss.  Supported me in times of trouble. Loved me though good days, and bad. I believe I have done the same for him.   We are, after all, Team Tanksley.

Life isn't always perfect.  I asked him the other day if he'd ever regretted marrying me.  He grinned and said "only when I'm mad at you."  Daddy always said if a couple didn't fuss every once in a while then one side wasn't holding up their end of the deal.  But we've always come out on the other side, stronger.

Life is an adventure!  And every adventure is made better with a buddy,  a partner.   And yes, especially a soulmate.   We've gone places and done things that might not have happened otherwise.  We follow each others dreams. We are truly sharing our lives.

I've told the story before of how we met so I won't go down that road again, but I've always, in my heart of hearts, known that Billy Lee Tanksley, Jr. was the man with whom God had chosen for me to spend my life.  I think that is way we've worked so hard through the tough times and celebrated the good - we know we belong together.

We've come a long way in 25 years - and since we barely dated a year before the wedding that is really almost all it is - and we still have miles to go before we sleep.  Every day is a new day.  A new chance to change.  A new opportunity for growth.  A new window on the world, open for all it can be.

In all that I do, the only time I'm truly happy is when we're together.  Watching an old movie, surrounded with puppies.  Quietly enjoying each other's company.  And yes, I have told him that.  I say it almost once a week, if not more.

So, thank you, Billy.  For everything.  For being my rock, my life, my love, my everything.  May I spend at least the next 25 years at your side.

We've come a long way, baby!

We Are One

As the Olympic Games draw to a close, I have been struck how, for at least a little while, we have been one nation.

I watched the opening ceremonies and you see the pure joy and excitement on these athletes' faces.  For some, that Parade of Nations IS their Olympic experience.  They will compete, but the expectations for some are not so great.

After the first round of team ice skating and the now famous images of Ashley Wagner's face and her commentary on the judges' scores for her performance, I took to Facebook and was immediately conscious of the terms "our girl" and "the American" when my friends were voicing their thoughts on the judging.  "How could the Chinese girl score better when she fell and our girl didn't?"

Aside from the issues of judging certain events, and, let's face it, scoring is easier when there is a time clock involved - no one ever awards style points because your skies sparkled or matched your racing suit better - there were very valid injured feelings towards "our girl".  I doubt many had heard of her before that night but now everyone was up in arms and ready to defend her!

We are a nation of labels - Republican, Democrat, white, black, Jewish, Protestant, Catholic, Gay, Straight, short, tall, skinny, overweight.  But during the Olympics the only labels you see are skater, skier, luger, bobsledder.  They are all Americans. The only distinguishing feature is their sport.

And we cheer for the Americans.  How many times have you turned on the television to see an event in progress and your only question is "which one is the American?  Where's our guy?".  We don't understand curling.  But we don't have to to be able to support our home team.  I can't tell a triple Lutz from a quadruple Salchow but I can cheer for the young Gracie Gold.  Because she is an American.  We don't discriminate because of someone's color, or whether or not they graduated college, or if they voted for President Obama or not.  None of that is relevant to the race being run.  Did he ski the fastest?  Did she fall during her routine?  Those are the questions that matter.

For just a little while we are not a nation of Denver Broncos vs. Seattle Seahawks, Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees, or SEC football vs. the rest of the collegiate conferences.  We are the USA against the World - literally.

And we love it.

I just wish we could carry it over after the cauldron flame is extinguished tonight.

Like I've said before, we come together as a nation during times of tragedy and triumph.  It's all the times in between where we drop the ball.

For two weeks we have been One Nation.  Under God.  Indivisible.

Monday morning we'll start hearing again how the Left did this or the Right didn't do this.  News stories will be told that identify the people as a White Man or a Black Woman when the color of the person's skin is truly and completely irrelevant to the story (not like a missing person or an escaped convict).

People will be labeled according to any manner of means.

I'm not a fan of labels.

I am just me.

I am an American.

I think we would all be better served if we could learn to put those monikers aside and remember that People are People.  We come in all shapes, sizes, ethnic backgrounds, religious ideologies and a myriad other preferences.  But if we can look beyond and really, truly, see the person behind the label, I think we could see that we all have something that is worth cheering.

And we shouldn't wait two more years until the Summer Games to do so.

They Were Right

(NOTE>  I did write this on January 2nd - just didn't hit the right button to publish it.  Sorry for the lateness.)


I remember when I was growing how the "old folks" would talk about how fast time flew the older they got.

Pffttt! I would think.  Of course, a child has no real concept of time.  Someone tells you when to get up in the morning; when to go to school; when to go home; when to go to bed.  In the summer, time was daylight to dark.  But how could it go faster?  60 minutes in an hour.  24 hours in a day. 365 days in a year. 

Time was finite.

Au contraire!

Now, I get it.  I woke up yesterday and it was 2014.

How did that happen?

I have no idea, but I do know that 2013 was a very good year.  (After 2011 the bar wasn't really very high, but still, a good year is a good year!  I really don't remember much about 2012 as 2011 was carrying over.)

One of the highlights, a beautiful trip to the Emerald Isle with my mom.  Love her for taking me on the trip and allowing me to cross an item off my Bucket List (and yes, I really and truly do have an honest-to-goodness handwritten list in a notebook).  I need to write all about it, and I will.  We had a lovely time and I met some very nice folks with whom she travels.  I want to go back to Ireland with Billy (and not just so I can stand on the Cliffs of Mohr) and do a few more things but it was a great scouting trip.  (Mom has now decided that she has seen Europe and will forego any other destinations.)

I completed my first triathlon in 2013.  I say "first" because I had a ball (and a bawl - it's on video) and I intend to do others.  I'm anxiously combing the websites for 2014 dates.

 I also did two bike events last year.  The first was 16 miles which I was extremely proud of since I was on a borrowed bike and decided about a month before the event that I was going to participate.  The second was a 50 miler.  Half of the Big Dam Bridge 100.  What made that even more special was that for probably the first time since we were on a swim team together, Andrea and I were in the same sporting event.  She did the full 100 miles.  I know my limits.  I even have the one picture of the two of us together before it started.  Mom managed to see both of us as we rode and we gave her framed pictures of us together and our individual pictures crossing the finish line.  (Side note - Billy's reaction to Mom opening the present was to ask what made us think she would want pictures of us on our bikes?  It's a mom thing.)

Billy and I took our two annual trips and had wonderful, peaceful times.  No stress (equate that with no hurricanes while we were away) and no outside worries.  We just packed up and left.  Both trips are for events that require us to put the cell phones away and lose ourselves in the moment.  Our two favorite weeks of the year.

Our family stayed fairly constant in size in 2013.  2011 and 2012 were both marked by significant losses, and a population explosion of grandsons for my uncle (3 in one year's time!), but we didn't really gain or lose anyone this year.  No funerals.  I like consistency.  There were some births on the Rodgers side of the family but we're all so spread out (geographically, chronologically) that those seem a little harder to track. 

So 2013 came and went without a ton a fanfare, which was good for me.  That is not to say it was without its trials and tribulations.  Some things cut pretty deeply and there is seemingly no end to my stress at work. 

But I have work.  Others don't.  

In my life I am surrounded by people I love and that return that love to me.  Many aren't that fortunate.  I come home every day to a Herd that acts as if I've been gone an eternity, even if I only went out to check the mailbox.  I love getting my face slurped!  No matter the events of the day, you cannot be in a bad mood in this house for long.  You have to leave it on the porch because these furballs will bring a smile to your face.  Some people never get to experience that true unconditional love - from man or animal.

I am blessed, and I know it.  I try my best to say Thank You every night.  (I never forget but sometimes I'm so exhausted at night that I'm asleep before I can even get started on all for which I have say thanks.)

It is sometimes a chore to remind myself to be happy.  You wouldn't think so, but it can be.  I have to stop and take stock every once in a while and remind myself that work will always be there and people will always disappoint and situations may not always go according to my plan.  But things will always go according to the Higher Plan and for that I am grateful, and happy.

So Happy New Year to one and all!  I hope that 2014 finds me here a little more often.  This is part of what makes me happy.  I didn't write enough in 2013 - but I did get some interesting reaction to some of what I did write. 

And that makes me happy.

And I now understand.  Time flies.  And it goes too fast to spend a lot of it on things that don't make you happy.  It is finite.  I commented one time, many years ago, that I didn't have time for something (since I was talking to Andrea it was probably exercise-related) and she commented that I had the same 24 hours in a day as everyone else.  Very true.  It is all in how you decide to spend yours.

(Remember, work will always be there.)

Au Revoir, 2013!  You were a very good year.

Bonjour 2014!  Can't wait to see what you bring!

Forgiveness: The Gift You Give Yourself.

Anyone that reads this very often realizes that I have been through some struggles in the last year and half or so.  Things too personal to put out here, but things that were shaping my life on all levels.  I had been extremely hurt by some people that I thought never would, and I was really dealing with that.

We all hurt people we love.  Rarely do we intend it.  But it does happen.  And if you are in any kind of relationship at all with someone, those hurts hurt.  If you aren't in a relationship then you usually blow it, and maybe the person, off and move on.

This particular string of events for me, and it was that -  a series of hurts that just kept compounding on themselves, left me very angry.

Very angry. 

Angry that this person could say and do these things.  And seemingly without conscience.

Angry that someone else that I love very much was wounded beyond measure by these events.

Angry that the actions of these other people were dictating things in my life.  Things that were very important to me.  Selfish, I know, but I resented it on so many levels.

Angry that years devoted to these relationships was cast aside in really a very short time.

Just angry.

And I found that anger consuming me and my day.  I thought about the situation all the time.  I let it effect some very important aspects of my life.  I was in a perpetual state of upset.

Someone asked me why I was allowing all of that to dictate to me.  Why was I giving these people this much power over my life?  Why was I making decision to do and not do things based on what was going on with a relatively small group of people.  My priest asked why I would allow the "SOBs to steal my peace".  (I have fairly straightforward priest.)

Why?

A very good question.  One for which I had no good answer at the time.  I was upset and I was going to stay that way.  The whole situation was not going to change.  The players involved were going to see to that.  But these were people that I was supposed to like and care about and have in my life.  I was struggling to reconcile the reality with what I thought I was acceptable.

But I could change.

After all, the only person I could control in this whole mess was me.

After a time I found what I could consider "forgiveness". 

I started by forgiving those I felt had wronged us.  That is really tough to do when there has been no apology.  No request for forgiveness.  Just an empty space in our lives that I had "forgive". 

 Then I forgave myself. 

And that was a very necessary step to healing.

I had to forgive myself for all the hard feelings that I harbored and then felt guilty about.  I had to understand that the world is not always rainbows and roses. I had to accept that not everyone is going to like me and that is okay.  I have absolutely no control over that.  I can only be myself and if the other person isn't happy about who am I then I really don't need them in my life.  Even if the societal conventions of the day say they are "supposed to be".  I had a very black and white view of the world and these players in it and it wasn't panning out that way.  That's not to say this was a gray area.

There was no gray.  None.

I guess it was more of a case of things I viewed on one side of the line ended up being on the other side.  White became black.

I had to say that it was okay to be angry.  Anger is a God-given emotion.  It is what we do with that anger and how we process it that makes the difference.  We can allow it to destroy us - eating away at the healthy relationships and good things in our lives; act on it which can destroy our very beings; or process the feeling and put it away.

 I had to say to myself that feeling as I did - angry, betrayed, disappointed. disillusioned, broken - was all perfectly normal, acceptable reactions to the situation but they were merely that - feelings.  They couldn't be guiding forces.   My values and morals had to continue to guide my actions, or inactions.  They, in and of themselves, were not going to change anything one iota.  I had to stick to my guns, what I knew to be right, and let the chips fall where they may with the other parties.

That "letting go" of all those emotions was a way of giving myself forgiveness.  Of saying, yes, you have wasted a lot of time and energy on a situation that isn't going to change but you won't let it effect the rest of your life.  I forgive you for the lost time.

None of this I did with a real consciousness of purpose.  I sort of woke up one day and realized that this issue that had been all-consuming for months, permeating every minute of my days and a lot of nights, was not longer as ever-present.  I thought about it less.  Actually didn't think about it all on some days.  So the forgiveness was not overt, but it had to be there.  Without that acceptance I don't think I could have moved forward.

Some might think I'm confusing forgiveness with acceptance, and you'd have a good argument.  But I think the two go hand in hand.  Without accepting the situation, or whatever it is that has you bugged, for what it is and accepting that it may never change but your reaction to it can, then I don't think you can forgive.

Webster's Dictionary defines to forgive as follows:

for·give  [ fər gív ]

 

1.   to stop being angry about something: to stop being angry about or resenting somebody or somebody's behavior

2.  pardon somebody: to excuse somebody for a mistake, misunderstanding, wrongdoing, or inappropriate behavior

How can you stop being angry unless of two things has happened - either the situation has changed or you've accepted it for what it is and are willing to move on?

The gift of forgiveness was truly for myself.  The other parties have no idea.  I never called them and said "I forgive you".  But it was a gift.  I got my life back.  My health improved.  My mood certainly improved.  I started doing things again that made me happy and moved out of that space.  (Some might think I need to call and have that conversation to truly have closure but I don't think so.  I do not have to live in a world where I like everyone and everyone likes me.  We're all made different.  We do have to coexist.  And you can love someone without liking them.  I firmly believe that.  I can love my neighbor as myself without all the strings).

As my priest would say, I had peace again.

I only wish I had done it sooner.  I lost some valuable time.

And besides, who doesn't like to receive a gift?  Even if it from yourself.