Forgiveness: The Gift You Give Yourself.

Anyone that reads this very often realizes that I have been through some struggles in the last year and half or so.  Things too personal to put out here, but things that were shaping my life on all levels.  I had been extremely hurt by some people that I thought never would, and I was really dealing with that.

We all hurt people we love.  Rarely do we intend it.  But it does happen.  And if you are in any kind of relationship at all with someone, those hurts hurt.  If you aren't in a relationship then you usually blow it, and maybe the person, off and move on.

This particular string of events for me, and it was that -  a series of hurts that just kept compounding on themselves, left me very angry.

Very angry. 

Angry that this person could say and do these things.  And seemingly without conscience.

Angry that someone else that I love very much was wounded beyond measure by these events.

Angry that the actions of these other people were dictating things in my life.  Things that were very important to me.  Selfish, I know, but I resented it on so many levels.

Angry that years devoted to these relationships was cast aside in really a very short time.

Just angry.

And I found that anger consuming me and my day.  I thought about the situation all the time.  I let it effect some very important aspects of my life.  I was in a perpetual state of upset.

Someone asked me why I was allowing all of that to dictate to me.  Why was I giving these people this much power over my life?  Why was I making decision to do and not do things based on what was going on with a relatively small group of people.  My priest asked why I would allow the "SOBs to steal my peace".  (I have fairly straightforward priest.)

Why?

A very good question.  One for which I had no good answer at the time.  I was upset and I was going to stay that way.  The whole situation was not going to change.  The players involved were going to see to that.  But these were people that I was supposed to like and care about and have in my life.  I was struggling to reconcile the reality with what I thought I was acceptable.

But I could change.

After all, the only person I could control in this whole mess was me.

After a time I found what I could consider "forgiveness". 

I started by forgiving those I felt had wronged us.  That is really tough to do when there has been no apology.  No request for forgiveness.  Just an empty space in our lives that I had "forgive". 

 Then I forgave myself. 

And that was a very necessary step to healing.

I had to forgive myself for all the hard feelings that I harbored and then felt guilty about.  I had to understand that the world is not always rainbows and roses. I had to accept that not everyone is going to like me and that is okay.  I have absolutely no control over that.  I can only be myself and if the other person isn't happy about who am I then I really don't need them in my life.  Even if the societal conventions of the day say they are "supposed to be".  I had a very black and white view of the world and these players in it and it wasn't panning out that way.  That's not to say this was a gray area.

There was no gray.  None.

I guess it was more of a case of things I viewed on one side of the line ended up being on the other side.  White became black.

I had to say that it was okay to be angry.  Anger is a God-given emotion.  It is what we do with that anger and how we process it that makes the difference.  We can allow it to destroy us - eating away at the healthy relationships and good things in our lives; act on it which can destroy our very beings; or process the feeling and put it away.

 I had to say to myself that feeling as I did - angry, betrayed, disappointed. disillusioned, broken - was all perfectly normal, acceptable reactions to the situation but they were merely that - feelings.  They couldn't be guiding forces.   My values and morals had to continue to guide my actions, or inactions.  They, in and of themselves, were not going to change anything one iota.  I had to stick to my guns, what I knew to be right, and let the chips fall where they may with the other parties.

That "letting go" of all those emotions was a way of giving myself forgiveness.  Of saying, yes, you have wasted a lot of time and energy on a situation that isn't going to change but you won't let it effect the rest of your life.  I forgive you for the lost time.

None of this I did with a real consciousness of purpose.  I sort of woke up one day and realized that this issue that had been all-consuming for months, permeating every minute of my days and a lot of nights, was not longer as ever-present.  I thought about it less.  Actually didn't think about it all on some days.  So the forgiveness was not overt, but it had to be there.  Without that acceptance I don't think I could have moved forward.

Some might think I'm confusing forgiveness with acceptance, and you'd have a good argument.  But I think the two go hand in hand.  Without accepting the situation, or whatever it is that has you bugged, for what it is and accepting that it may never change but your reaction to it can, then I don't think you can forgive.

Webster's Dictionary defines to forgive as follows:

for·give  [ fər gív ]

 

1.   to stop being angry about something: to stop being angry about or resenting somebody or somebody's behavior

2.  pardon somebody: to excuse somebody for a mistake, misunderstanding, wrongdoing, or inappropriate behavior

How can you stop being angry unless of two things has happened - either the situation has changed or you've accepted it for what it is and are willing to move on?

The gift of forgiveness was truly for myself.  The other parties have no idea.  I never called them and said "I forgive you".  But it was a gift.  I got my life back.  My health improved.  My mood certainly improved.  I started doing things again that made me happy and moved out of that space.  (Some might think I need to call and have that conversation to truly have closure but I don't think so.  I do not have to live in a world where I like everyone and everyone likes me.  We're all made different.  We do have to coexist.  And you can love someone without liking them.  I firmly believe that.  I can love my neighbor as myself without all the strings).

As my priest would say, I had peace again.

I only wish I had done it sooner.  I lost some valuable time.

And besides, who doesn't like to receive a gift?  Even if it from yourself.