Two men died in the last week. One I knew, but probably shouldn't have. The second, I should have but didn't.
The paradox hit me today.
I could have attended the memorial service tonight for a local Natchez resident, originally from Newport, Arkansas, who was elegant, gracious, and urbane. He might also might not have been all that he seemed. I had met him. We served on a board together, but he only came to one meeting. He hosted a party that I attended. It was a formal dinner with the best silver and china that I had ever seen. He owned many homes in Natchez that he renovated. I toured one during a meeting and was floored by the sheer opulence of the place. Gold gilt covered cornices and murals covered the walls. Chandeliers lit mere powder rooms. Over the top doesn't even begin to describe the interiors. But I felt like I would be a "looky-loo" if I attended the service. And I believe it was only one of several memorials. He died over a week ago.
He wanted the world to know him. He made himself known. But I do think he was a good person inside. He opened his home and was generous with many local organizations. He had resources and used them wisely and was intelligent and patient with all who wanted to talk with him. He ran in unusual circles and knew lots of people.
The other man, I should have known but didn't. I love his family, but he was not a part of it. I never had an opportunity to see his face or talk to him or see what his life was like. I don't know how he spent his free time, or made a living. I don't know what sports teams he liked, or even if he followed sports. And he only lived a few hours away. He died and there may not even be a service. I don't know for sure. But from what I know, he was an honest man who worked hard and made an honest living. He chose to be alone, and that's how he stayed.
I feel badly, but don't really know how to handle it. How to process the whole thing.
I feel loss, but for the wrong person.
I feel a need to remember, but have no memories.
I feel like I should be mourning, but have no sense of loss.
I pray that both men rest in peace.
