Internal Conflicts

I try to be a good person.

I really do.

But I am struggling.

I have to be careful what I say because the issue at the root of it all is not public knowledge.

Someone I know has made an important decision. One that, while not completely unexpected, was still somewhat surprising due to the timing.

I know in my heart that it is the right thing and needs to be done but I have been very consumed by how that decision will effect me.

And I'm not happy about it.

Not happy that I feel as I do, and not happy about the decision.

There are two sides of me on this. The "friend" side that says "Go, do what you need to get better. Take care of yourself and come back refreshed."

The "work" side of me is angry and resentful because that is the side that has to deal with the fallout. Extra hours for me, still. Working weekends, still. Not having a real day off like everyone else, yet.

I don't like being in that position. Having to adjust everything in my world simply to accommodate someone else.

I guess that makes me selfish. But it also makes me human. I had plans for my weekends. That has changed.

I did take off this past weekend and never even pulled my laptop out of the car. And I did come home at a "decent hour" most days. But that was only a temporary time to really rejuvenate myself. Rest that I needed for the next two months which are going to be rough. I was so exhausted the other night that I couldn't remember actually being in a client's office on one day when I saw them the next day.

That's sad, people.

But, I have to do what I have to do. If the work isn't done we lose the clients and I'm out a job.

Guess there would be plenty of time to rest then, wouldn't there?

My nature is to jump in with both feet and get it done.

And I will.

But that doesn't mean that I have to like it.