Problem was, he was downstairs. We sleep upstairs. He was in no condition to navigate the stairs and he's too big for me to carry. He finally, after coming out of the seizure, ended up in the dining room, lay down and fell asleep. By now I had run the rest of the pack upstairs and shut them up in the bedroom. I grabbed a pillow and a blanket and ran back down to him. I curled up in this giant chair my mother gave us for Christmas but I wasn't going to be sleeping. Despite the fact that I'd been up since before 4 that morning and it was now pushing midnight. Sleep was not an option at this point. For two reasons, one is obvious. I was so worried that the Valium wouldn't take and he'd start seizing again. The second was that the rest of the group was not happy at being left alone and kept barking and running around. You can hear everything on those hardwood floors!
So I lay in the chair and thought how I wished that the bunch upstairs were "real" kids so I could explain to them that their brother needed me and they would be helping me out if they would just lay down and be quiet. But I couldn't. So I laid there, divided and torn between being there for the one who needed me but didn't know it, and being with the ones who didn't really need me but thought they did.
Well, situations work as they should. The barking woke Seizure Dog who jumped up, completely lucid, looked at me like "since when do we sleep down here?", trotted up the stairs and into his bed. Never heard another peep out of any one of them the rest of the night.
But I still didn't really sleep.
I thought about how really incredibly lucky I am that this was my biggest crisis. There are lots of moms who are divided with far bigger issues. Moms who have to balance being with a terminally ill child against being with her healthy children. Moms who work multiple jobs and wish they were at home with their families. Moms who have to decide if there will be lights or food the next week because the paycheck isn't stretching. Moms who are divided about staying in a bad marriage to protect their children or getting out and starting over. Divided between the known and the unknown.
A friend of mine from high school became a mom last week. First time. Fifteen years of waiting on an adoption - home visits, applications, disappointments. She shared with us some of the experiences they were going through in those last weeks. The indecision of the 16 year old with what has to be the biggest decision of her young life and her mother wanting her to do the right thing but knowing she'd have to support whatever decision her child made. Two mothers divided by one situation.
My life is a snap compared to what a lot of women go through. I'm blessed, and I know it.
My husband says moms are special. They are. He treats his mom like a queen which bodes well for me. (All parents are special and I have the utmost respect for all of them, especially single parents, but this post is for the moms out there). They are very often the glue in the family - the doctor, the chef, the driver, the shopper, the financial planner.
The expert mathematician dividing her time and energies.
Much of our time is spent being divided. Trying to decide between two things that we either want to do or feel we need to/should do. Life is all about choices. Sometimes we make the wrong ones. The important thing is that we try. Sometimes even making the wrong choice is better than doing nothing.
And to remember that no matter how bad we think things are at any particular moment, chances are someone else's life is a little bit worse.
So be grateful. And try to remember when you see people during the day to be kind. You have no idea what math problems they may be trying to solve.
well sadi!
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Deanne! Thanks for sharing.
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